Ever since my childhood, I never experienced “Love”. I don’t know why but the idea itself is frightening to me. I get paralyzed in fear as the idea of “forever” creeps into conversations. I can’t help but to think “what is wrong with me, why am I not like everyone else”? It’s not that I’ve never had love or am incapable of love, I truly love. It is more so the logic of forever is unrealistic to me.

How do you build an entire life with someone, creating this perfect universe with your best friend, only for one of them to leave the other stuck in grief. One of my closest friends was murdered and I couldn’t function for a month, and even still, the sadness gets set aside just to function properly. I have never lost anyone else, for lack of family and never staying one place too long. Which begs the question, am I running from love, or am I afraid to have it and lose it. Maybe, I simple don’t know what to do with it. How do you do something successfully without knowing the rules, having examples, or knowing what it looks like?

As I explore other cultures I find relief in their “norms”. As other cultures embrace the freeness of relationships without titles outside of western influence. Yet, I continue to lose those around me because my inability to allow the depth they require to consume me. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

As I begin to explore my inner fears, and inner self. I encourage you to look into your “love” what does it look like, feel like, sound like, for those not built on survival and instinct. I want to love as deeply as I can, fearlessly. Although, the fear makes it more intriguing.

Share your love with me.