I often think about when my time will be up in this realm. Not so much for what is next, but when I am gone will I finally be understood. If I could have one wish it would be, to be heard, to be seen. Not that I am overlooked, but too often am I misunderstood.

Have you ever tried to express something, and no matter what, the message was not clear? As if the words elude you even though you know exactly what you want to say. Then the message gets so lost you just give up. As that feeling of defeat rests in your throat.

Maybe you expressed yourself perfectly only for it to fall on deaf ears. Forcing you back into the shell of silence you spent years digging yourself out of.

I am slow in love, hell I am slow in talking, dating, making friends. But how do I look at someone in the eyes and tell them I survived years of abuse and need a little extra time. Extra time to open up, extra time to feel safe, to breathe. Why does the world move so fast anyway? How do I say that and not get pity, because my story is my strength and I am not some broken doll?  Where is that perfect balance of “I hear you” and “I see you”.  

How do you show the damage when it’s not visible? How do you say its beautiful in my world, just give me a little more time? In a world of instant gratification, its impossible.

Why is that people want the real you but end up hurting you anyway. Making you pull back all your layers, open up, only to add to the scars. Not realizing it was a straw that broke the camel’s back. We forget that something “small” can be the thing that finally pushes someone over the edge. Undoing years of effort.

There are a few people I hear in my head at my going home service. They would say “she changed my life”, “she forced me to grow”, “she was so passionate”. And you want to know the saddest thing, every one of them never understood me, never allowed me to be free in my own respect.

I needed to move at their speed, needed to do things this way, needed to look perfect, act perfect, be perfect, I need to be ready for love in months, needed to commit, needed to outdo the last person. I just needed to fit a mold.

I often feel like that movie “Get Out”, sitting in the back of this body trying to find me.

There is nothing wrong with my slowness, there is nothing wrong with my randomness, my hyperness first thing in the morning, my weird sense of humor, my messiness. There is nothing wrong with my passion, my free spirit, my need to push everyone I meet to live up to their full potential.

I want to be understood before It’s too late for me to feel how good It must feel.  I want to know what It feels like to be valued in every aspect. Be so seen I don’t even have to explain. I want to feel safe enough to open up, to share, to show my view of the world without judgment or expectations. I want to have my tears wiped away without having to explain them. I want to be surrounded by people who see my intent is always pure. I want to make a lasting impression. I want to laugh through this life and make a difference before I run out of time.

I want to be Raquel in all her glory.

Know what you seek and chase it. If you could wish for one thing, what would it be?  

-Seven