Insomnia got the best of me a couple nights ago. So naturally I started to think of random things -the usual-serial killers, what’s it like being a surgeon, what if I was fish, etc. Then I said to myself “I’m 30”. I told myself I was not bringing my unhealed traumas into a new decade, forgiving myself for every time I didn’t love me, as well as forgiving those who harmed me. Before I knew it, tears were cascading down my cheeks. I didn’t know why I was crying, I’m chasing my dreams and my life is truly beautiful, then it hit me.

            There is one trauma I can never escape, one thing I can never wash off. Rape. I sat up remembering the nightmares that wake me when I least expect it. The flashes as I walk down a street at night. And to be honest, I don’t cry for the little girl who lost her virginity in a dark alley. I cry because I’m sure he doesn’t even remember my face, know my name, and if he relives the experience, he gets some sick twisted joy.

            I can’t help but wonder does he keep trophies of his victims, did he snatch my child like jewelry to have something to help him remember. Unlike most, my rapist is in prison for life (murder and multiple sex crimes). Justice, for once, was on the black women’s side. Any who, soon I dozed off, didn’t dream of him, and slept peacefully.

            Which of course made me want to blog. I wanted to share how this thing that shaped my whole life still does. I am so tired of hearing healing from trauma means forgetting it. As if you can just erase things that shape who you are. Would I be this strong? Would I be an advocate for women? Would I be this passionate about helping others if I didn’t climb out the trenches. How dare anyone think you just move on.

            You will never live without your trauma; no amount of time will go by and it will not randomly pop up. The most random things will trigger a memory, and you will need to cancel all plans and focus on your feelings. It’s ok. No, you don’t need to be over it, yes you need to notice how long it effects your routine. If it is too long, time to call for help. But those days you need to cry and say “This happened to me, I survived, I can’t believe I lived through that” will happen for the rest of your life. Find comfort in that. Find comfort in knowing that you can sit and think through it, see how it has made you be this force to be reckoned with. Notice how your trauma prepared you for your calling. You owe it to yourself to say, “Look at me now, look how strong I am, look how I uplift others and walk in my truth”.

            Own your power, for the rest of your life

-Keep living, Seven