As I sit here alone and cold, I can’t help but think about the things I truly desire in life. As I sit without the bare necessities, I can’t help but to discover, I am a simple woman, who desires the finer things. For example, I love hand crafted cards, and well thought out gifts. However, my partner and child (one day) will run down the main staircase to greet me after a long day’s work. I will ask what’s for dinner as the housekeeper takes my jacket. Simple woman, with finer things.

But then, like my anxiety ridden brain does, I begin to over think. What if I am not on the path that leads me to those things? Am I making the best choices now that will lead to that future? Who is the face of my partner? Have I met them? Is the child one I carried, or did I adopt? Am I so focused on where I want to be that I am just forcing things to work with those in my life? Am I scared I will be alone forever, or am I self-sabotaging because I’ve never had love and am too afraid to lose it?

As my blog following grows and you continue to comment, I want to hear from you. Usually, I end with some message making this all make sense. Yet here…alone in the cold…I want you to help living on this floating rock make sense.

To those in love, how did you know without a doubt that you were safe there? How did you know this is where my soul belongs? How did you know this soul tie was the one where all your dreams could be reality? Where there arguments so bad you didn’t know if you would make it? I feel my heart breaking as I type unsure if the one, I am connected to is my future, with no history of what love looks like, I know how I want to feel, every day without a doubt, even on bad days.

To those like me, chasing their dreams. Everyday do your choices reflect the life you want. Everyday are you actively making decisions where the outcome will lead to your fantasies. Do you sacrifice to get to the finish line? Or do you live daily and just say it will work itself out. How do you deal with the anxiety of unsureness? Unsure if this choice will alter your future. Wondering if one decision, one tiny wave will ripple down and effect what’s to come.

The times I am alone are either peaceful, or a reminder of me sitting alone in my childhood. Crying because just like then, I’ve always just wanted a family to call my own. Just wanted one person to feel safe with. What I’ve lacked in adolescence I crave as an adult. And I want everything to be mine. Working tirelessly to never be without, I can’t help but wonder. Am I on the right path…

 -Seven