Watching the sunrise and reading through my missed messages, I take a second to breathe. I meditated the other day and felt this sense of peace, so I decided it would become a part of my daily routine. My mother calls, and we begin to argue…well she speaks, and I try my hardest to remember this woman gave birth to me. For the newbies, my mother is an addict, and I just met her a few years ago (I am 30). A blog about my childhood adventures is in the works. So anyway, I remember she is my elder (although a stranger). Maintaining respect is not for her, but my own dignity.

My mom has this cycle of self-destruction, she will get on her feet, do well, start drinking and doing drugs again, fall flat, then expect everyone else to fix it and play victim. As If her ability to inhale drugs like they are healthy treats is not the sole cause for everything bad in her, and her children’s lives. Then like a ton of bricks… I realized; I am my mother’s daughter…

Not in a drugs are healthy or drink myself to death type of way…but I did do some research. Not only are those born with drugs and alcohol in their system different cognitively (me and my siblings), but the way drugs and alcohol effect their brain is different as well. Allowing for black outs far quicker than the average person, and said offspring are almost twice as likely to be addicted to mood altering substances. Scary right…But on to the point…

I have been the self-sabotage queen of life. Subconsciously of course. During my childhood I stayed in houses for unwanted children, running away from abuse as soon as I got old enough, and even trying to save others from abuse. Kidnapped during my time in the streets, and literally everything else in between. (Don’t worry, the series is coming soon). So, with this repetitive cycle of things going bad, moving, starting over, things going bad, moving, starting over etc. I think it has somehow embedded itself into my psyche. Somehow making me think this was the norm, this was life. We often overlook cognitive issues or feel they are excuses because we simply can’t seem them. But trust me, as I enter my fourth year of sciences, subconscious patterns are very real. And will destroy you without so much as a warning.

Have you ever heard the saying “you go through things over and over until you learn your lesson”? What if I told you that is your very own self-destructive pattern and until you realize it, you will keep repeating the same mistakes you don’t even realize you are making. I promised myself my 30’s would be the best years of my life. You owe it to yourself to reflect, take accountability, talk to someone, and move on with your life. I’ve hurt people out of fear of being unwanted, walked away from friendships, checking out of relationships, just because I assumed it would be over soon. Trying to hurt them before I was hurt, I wanted to control when things were over, because mentally, I am always prepared for them to be. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always knowing this is too good to be true.

What if I told you, the life you deserve is on the other side of those unprocessed issues? That conversation you avoid is the one that can change your life. That accountability for putting yourself in messed up situations over and over is the door to peace. It’s not everyone else’s fault, it’s not your zodiac, it’s not your shitty childhood. It’s the refusal to leave the pity party because the weight of your mistakes is too heavy. It’s easier to sit in pity, to sit in woe is me, than to carry the weight of this is my fault. But trust me, when you make it to the other side the life you always dreamed of will be right there. Shedding the weight of destructive patterns, understanding where they come from, and living the life you deserve will be worth the freedom in the end. Now this will not be easy, no walk in the park, taking accountability without being able to blame others is no easy task (Trust me). But, when you feel light, and free, it will all have been worth it. Also, you’d be surprised at how openness is appreciated. Shocked at how many people will love you enough to stick around to enjoy the better version of you. The healed version. Think about the people you deserve in your life and go get them. Do the work, albeit the most difficult journey of your life. Walk in your truth, and I will meet you on the other side.

~Seven