There are times where the weight of being alive is simply too heavy, and today is one of those days. So, I choose to write. To share this familiar feeling with my lovely readers, whom I hope will take what resonates most.  

Somehow, I’ve crawled back into this cave of darkness. You know the one. The one full of writings on the wall that only spell out fear and doubt. The ones that scream enough is enough. The words that broadcast your failures as you try to take accountability.  Ending up entombed in this web of dread. People often associate depression with this feeling of unmotivatedness, when in reality you want to do…but somehow you just can’t. Somehow daily tasks seem impossible, and today is not a day you can pretend to be alright.  

For those who are in their own little cave, I am glad you are there. I know that sounds crazy, why would I want you to be trapped in a cycle that many are not strong enough to break. Well, in there, whether you like it or not, you are still here. Still able to try tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Still able to fight through, still here to read the writings on the wall, and one day be strong enough to carve new ones. I’d rather you be like me, inching towards the light, fighting to escape the dark.

I am at my last cycle; I cannot be in this cave again. And with everything in me, I mean it. We live in a society where rock bottom looks like someone who is on their last leg. Maybe they have battled an addiction and lost everything, or maybe are going through divorce. But what about us? What about the mental battles of people who have so much to be grateful for, but our mind amplifies everything wrong. Amplifying a sound no one else can hear. As we look around, we still search for meaning, search for reasons to stay. Going through photos of our happiest times, surrounding ourselves with people we haven’t ruined relationships with, or simply just looking ok. Only to wake up one day and realize it is dark in here. Trying to retrace our steps…how did we end up back in the cave? When did I make a wrong turn?

As I find my strength to climb out, I offer you a rope to use when you are in yours. It’s ok in there, I know it’s scary, but it is safe. In there you cannot do irreversible damage. In there things can’t get worse. But remember nothing will get better. Take the time you need, gather your strength to pull yourself out. And the most important part, celebrate another win. This battle is yours, and every time you win you owe it to yourself to celebrate -every single time-. No one knows what it takes to fight a battle they can’t see, but by god you did it beautifully.

As for me, as soon as I am out my cave, I will leave it vacant. It is no longer a home for my soul, I am not strong enough to pull myself out again. I have taken my last look at darkness. If ever again I fall, I will ensure my soul finds peace.

-There is only darkness in the absence of light, Seven