I remember sitting on my couch a few months before I turned 30, talking about how excited I was for a new decade. I learned so much about myself in my 20’s, went through tremendous wins and losses, traveled the world, took every opportunity to advance both my career and creativity. So, I knew my 30’s was going to be nothing but reaping my harvest. After all, 30 is grown…right?

Healthy Healing…If I could name chapter 30 in my book of life, this would be the title. I had no idea before you reap your harvest, you must completely heal from everything, in a healthy manner. Too often do we just “get over” things and anticipate what’s next. But the catch is, those cycles will continue to repeat themselves until healthy healing happens.

I was talking to my virtual therapist and of course I spoke on healing from past relationships. I began to talk about how I am seen in this negative light, and then talked about these negative experiences. She let me vent, and then in the most monotone voice said, “Do you think this is healing.” I knew right away I wasted a session. Not because she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, but because in that one rhetorical question, I heard her loud and clear. As the great friend I am, I’ll save you the $180 therapy session (but still go). Grab your wine and listen up.

As I welcome love into my life on a magnitude I never have before, it took understanding healthy healing to embark on this new journey, fearlessly. We’ve all had break ups where we end up the villain in someone’s story, as well as telling our version of events with a negative tone. Highlighting everything negative to make ourselves move on, stop crying blah blah blah. But hear me out, is that healing? Or is that making yourself dislike someone so much, while gaining reassurances, that you feel compelled to find someone better? There are two things wrong with this.

The first being the danger of dislike. If you are only focused on what you disliked from your past, you are actively seeking someone who just doesn’t check those specific boxes. Ignoring other red flags simply because they “don’t do this like my ex”. Like my ex never posted me on social media, this is not a requirement for me, but what if I just dated someone because they were willing to post me? What about if they bought me flowers, or remembered my favorite color? I would be so focused on them doing things my ex didn’t do, I would complete miss if we were truly compatible.

The next thing is your happiness going into your next relationship. I guarantee there is a difference when you talk to someone who hates their ex and someone who has healed from their past experience. If I were on a date and I was asked about my last relationship and why a woman as successful and gorgeous as me (toot toot) is single I would say “My last relationship was beautiful, I learned so much and created some amazing memories on the journey” I would continue “there are many reasons we spilt, but life happens and that does not erase the reasons that brought us together during our time”. That shows ownership of the relationship, no bitterness, no pretending I was perfect while everything is their fault and sets a boundary of, I will never discredit someone or our experience just because we are no longer a unit…that is healthy healing. To be able to speak from a place of genuineness without disdain, allows for what you seek to flow to you. Of course, it could be easy to say, “well they didn’t value me, we always argued, our sex life wasn’t good blah blah blah”. And as soon as that leaves your mouth you’ve shown more of who you are and why you are single. You’ve shown you are confrontational, have bad arguments, take no ownership, and have shown what all you are willing to put up with in a matter of minutes. Furthermore, you’ve opened a door that allows ex to be the topic of conversations, when I thought you moved on…

Because I want us to all fall in love together, and live out our fairytales, here are some ways to healthy healing.

If you are asked about your ex say something positive then set a boundary. “I hope they are doing well, but since they are no longer a part of my life, I would appreciate not being asked about them”.

If you think about them, journal, again something positive…forcing yourself to hate them is only heavy for you. Think about a good memory, don’t center it around them but around how you felt. That way when memories associated with them are triggered, they are not the focus, nor is it something negative. This lets you keep your good memories and not have to pretend like amazing times in your life just didn’t exist.

What you focus on is what flows to you. Enough said.

Now take these tid bits, and here is to Happy Healthy Healing

–Your Turn