Accountability can be such a challenging task as an adult. Immediately you are probably like, how hard is it to take ownership for your actions? That’s not the hard part, for most of us any way. It’s being accountable for the negative feelings that the actions caused, and the uncontrollable desire to explain yourself.

As usual, life teaches me lessons, and it is my duty to share them. This way, your life is easier, while mine only gets better. All mistakes are teachable moments.

First and foremost, let’s address accountability for feelings. Often when we make mistakes, we will be brought the action of the mistake. Then we address the actions, apologize for them but somehow there is still this disruption in energy. This is where you take charge and sit in very uncomfortable discomfort. Ask the person how the actions made them feel, and how they feel currently. Allow them a space to express safely. Then validate, acknowledge, and apologize for those feelings. The difference is, you can never repeat a mistake, but the way you made the person feel may arise in the most random situations, on the most random days. This is where the safe space of them knowing you acknowledge the emotion and let them express comes to play. Not only will you not feel attacked and defensive because they didn’t bring up what you did, you have open communication to the root…the emotions.

Hurting people, you love is one of the heaviest burdens you will ever carry. You are stuck between “how could I hurt them” and “How can I show them how much I love them” constantly. Unsure of anything, but at the same time knowing no one else deserves your ability to love at full capacity. If I can give you any advice, do the work. Learn their perspective, and only see their emotions from their point of view. They are not yours to rationalize, just take ownership.

Lastly, let’s address the need to be heard. It is natural in any situation where your actions are being called out to want to explain them. In your mind, from your perspective, they make sense. But that’s the thing, it’s not from your view, so it doesn’t make sense. Pro tip… the goal is to have a conversation, not play the blame game. After the version of events are played out, you take accountability for what is accurate and correct any mistakes. Once there is validation of what’s true and false, immediately go back to step one. Ask how they are feeling now, and how the actions made them feel.

As my audience of happy and healthy couples and people seeking healthy relationships continue to grow, I want to give you useful tools and understanding for healthy arguments. You will hurt the person you love in this life, and I promise you the key is taking the attention off the actions, and onto the emotions. Remember, just as much as you love them, they love you. Emotions are fleeting but love is a rare state of existence. No one in love seeks out to harm the person sharing the experience with them.

Focusing on the emotions will protect your emotionally vulnerability with one another. As well making you never want them to feel negative emotion you caused again. Now you will consider all your actions based solely of off their emotions, and not thinking “it’s not the same mistake I made before”. Protect the emotional and the physical will follow. I am always learning and evolving.

Stay teachable.

-Light and Love