The anxious attachment style is one of the most common styles I encounter. While many of us have different triggers chances are navigating some form of anxiety is common or dealing with someone who has this attachment style is familiar. On our never-ending journey of happy and healthy, how can navigating this attachment style be “happy and healthy”?

Let’s Chat.

First let me point out a couple attachment style facts. The bulk of your attachment style will come from your childhood relationships. A brief explanation is as follows. When you trust yourself and others you have a healthy attachment. When you trust others but not yourself you have an anxious attachment. When you do not trust others but trust yourself, you have an avoidant attachment, and when you do not trust others nor yourself you have fearful attachment.

There are many ways to develop anxious attachment, it’s hard to admit you don’t completely trust yourself but what do you think anxiety is? Anxiety itself is a future based response. You are responding to the “what if’s” in your own mind. Now you may be saying I am anxious because I think someone is cheating on me, how is that not trusting myself…well why are you in the situation? Do you not think you can make good judgment calls? Do you keep picking people who hurt you? Do you know how this relationship ends because you’ve been here before? Are you ignoring red flags? Accept that you need to work on trusting yourself and we can move forward. Denial halts progression.

Now, what does anxious attachment look like? Co-dependency, the need to be needed in and out or romantic relationships. If you are constantly complaining about how much people need from you, but you keep supplying…you are codependent. You thrive on the need to feel needed because you trust others more than you trust yourself. You are fulfilled by being desired. If you give love too easily and quickly you are an anxious attachment style. Now be careful, if you lack boundaries and have a hard time giving and receiving love you have fearful attachment. These look similar, so be open and honest with yourself. No need to run from hard truths, this is your judgment free space. If you can’t be honest here, I am doing something very wrong.

An anxious attachment style is the opposite of the avoidant attachment style. And for that reason alone, they are the two that will, more often than not, from trauma bonds. Anxious attachment obviously does best with a healthy attachment, but avoidant feeds into the loop of anxiety and need for acceptance from someone else. Remember anxious attachment needs to feel needed, and avoidant attachment is their ultimate challenge. One way to determine if you are in an avoidant anxious bond think about your arguments. Is one always saying “we are good we don’t have to talk about it, I’m fine, it doesn’t matter etc.” and the other is saying “please can we talk about it, did I do something wrong, am I bothering you, am I enough, are you happy etc.” the odds are not in your favor. This doesn’t mean it’s a trauma bond, it means you have more effort to put forth to be happy and healthy. Both parties must be WILLING participants.

Now that we have a grasp on attachment what can be done to create healthy habits so you can have healthy relationships. First, expression. You must express to those you want to attach to what gives you anxiety. “I have been cheated on a couple times, so when you don’t talk to me all day my mind races, and I feel like I put myself back in a bad situation”. You always take ownership of your emotions because they are your own. Never making someone pay for mistakes of your past.

second, give behaviors that help. In an argument say, “I know you don’t want to talk right now; can you give me a time frame of when we can talk so I’m not anxiously thinking about if we will be ok”. Third, know your triggers, pay attention to what your anxiety looks like. If confrontation gives you anxiety recognize it and say it. “Yelling makes me anxious and I will shut down”.

Fourth, find the root. The first three are great for maintaining healthy relationships, but what about your relationship with you. Let’s use the yelling example. Journal on why yelling makes you retreat. Who yelled at you when you were younger? How often where good things in your childhood overlooked, but being in trouble you remember so vividly? Or when did you used to yell and express and were never heard? What relationship could have given you this anxiety? Once you have the root of your triggers you can do the mental work to “undo” the triggers.

Lastly, talk to someone. I don’t just say this so you can come see me in the safe space, where we will work on a behavior journal and unpack triggers while creating healthy habits. I say it because anxiety can be crippling. For me talking about things that give me anxiety, will give me anxiety, so having someone give me reassurance and remind me I am in a safe space will help me process and get through complete thoughts. Being honest with yourself is hard, sometimes you don’t know when you started having anxiety or when it got so bad. Maybe your anxiety presents as anger or sadness, and you find yourself snapping at small things that normally wouldn’t bother you or getting so mad you cry.

Learning how to talk is the highlight of our life, and somehow, along the journey we’ve forgotten how important, powerful, and necessary it is. Letting life trick us into thinking our voice is lost in a sea of expression, when words are what allow us to float.

–Be Heard