Trigger warning, this blog is about sexual assault/abuse. If you still have anxiety and are unable to talk/think about your experience, please stop reading now.

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I was sexually assaulted in my childhood, and years later it is still a very prominent part of who I am. Not in a crippling way, like it was before, but also not in an empowering way either. It’s more so this piece of me that I keep in my pocket. Like a puzzle piece with a damaged edge, so it doesn’t quite fit into the puzzle anymore, but I can’t throw it away because it still completes the picture.  

It wasn’t until I was in my twenties I even spoke about the assault. I was one of the survivors who blamed themselves, and once I stopped doing that, I was able to analyze my behavior and use it to help survivors and advocates. Especially in teens who won’t speak up, being able to identify behaviors may be lifesaving. I am here to promise you, you are not alone.

Not everyone can afford help, or was too young to analyze their behavior. So, I hope this helps identify where you are, or help someone you know.

 Rape trauma symptom has a few different phases and presentations. The first two phases will be the focus of this blog. Phase one (right after the attack), there are three categories a survivor can fall into…

Expressed, where the person is openly emotional and may experience anxiety attacks. A constant state of shock and disbelief, to the point the person is extremely disorientated and can’t function day to day tasks. Then there is the controlled…the one who acts as if nothing happened and everything is fine, the refusal of acceptance. This was me…for years. I felt this sense of shame, like somehow my value depleted and I had to hide it from people, so they still felt I was worthy and not dirty. After all this is how I lost my virginity.

After this initial reaction to the traumatic event, the adjustment to the “new normal” comes in phase two. There are five coping techniques.

Minimization, where survivors downplayed the event and say, “it could have been worse”. Dramatization, or the life consuming survivor, where it’s all they talk about. Suppression, acting like it never happened. Explanation, analyzing what happened and trying to understand the attacker. Flight, changing job, appearance, anything to try to escape.

When I was in my phase two, I felt like I went through almost every stage of coping, except dramatization. I suppressed the experience for years while also running. I ran from Minnesota (where I am from), I ran from my style of clothes dressing baggy, I ran from my hair cutting it all off, and even my passions and friends. Anything that reminded me of who got raped, I ran from her. I never wanted to relate to that version of me. Then as I got older, I began to write in my journal, as my therapist at the time suggested, realizing how I let him keep all the power.

I allowed him to take who I was from me. My confidence, my style, my hometown. I didn’t realize the magnitude of what he took, until I decided to face stop running. I wanted to get out of survival mode. I’ve survived…It was time to live and relearn me all over again. And with that I had to take back everything he tried to steal. For those who know survivors I want to remind you of something very important… no amount of time passed makes it easier, we just cope better on some days than others. Nightmares are very real, and for some their abuser isn’t even behind bars. There is no style of rape that makes it easier or harder to deal with, nor are women the only victims of such a heinous act.

To my fellow survivors, I wish I could hug you. If it’s been one day or ten years, I am so sorry this happened to you, that this is a part of your story. I hate being called a survivor some days because it makes it seem like it’s something we are proud to have endured. Like it’s some damn badge of honor we parade around. We were a victim of something that will be embedded in our reality for the rest of our life, changing the word to survivor feels like an attempt to diminish our experience. Other days I remind myself to never have a victim mentality. It’s like we are doing this balancing act of being real about what happened but being strong enough to not let is consume us. Days never get easier; you continue to get stronger. I am proud of you for dating yourself again, for loving yourself again, and if you’ve let someone else date you and love you, I hope every day you feel as beautiful and untainted as you are. You are worth everything, still. Cry when you need to, talk about it the days you feel it’s best, and scream the days you’re pissed off the fuck off. Each day is a good day, because it’s a day you allowed yourself to feel whatever you needed. Always be proud of showing up for you.

-Undamaged