Author Archives: Raquel Brewer

Faces of Assault

Trigger warning, this blog is about sexual assault/abuse. If you still have anxiety and are unable to talk/think about your experience, please stop reading now.

Let’s chat.

I was sexually assaulted in my childhood, and years later it is still a very prominent part of who I am. Not in a crippling way, like it was before, but also not in an empowering way either. It’s more so this piece of me that I keep in my pocket. Like a puzzle piece with a damaged edge, so it doesn’t quite fit into the puzzle anymore, but I can’t throw it away because it still completes the picture.  

It wasn’t until I was in my twenties I even spoke about the assault. I was one of the survivors who blamed themselves, and once I stopped doing that, I was able to analyze my behavior and use it to help survivors and advocates. Especially in teens who won’t speak up, being able to identify behaviors may be lifesaving. I am here to promise you, you are not alone.

Not everyone can afford help, or was too young to analyze their behavior. So, I hope this helps identify where you are, or help someone you know.

 Rape trauma symptom has a few different phases and presentations. The first two phases will be the focus of this blog. Phase one (right after the attack), there are three categories a survivor can fall into…

Expressed, where the person is openly emotional and may experience anxiety attacks. A constant state of shock and disbelief, to the point the person is extremely disorientated and can’t function day to day tasks. Then there is the controlled…the one who acts as if nothing happened and everything is fine, the refusal of acceptance. This was me…for years. I felt this sense of shame, like somehow my value depleted and I had to hide it from people, so they still felt I was worthy and not dirty. After all this is how I lost my virginity.

After this initial reaction to the traumatic event, the adjustment to the “new normal” comes in phase two. There are five coping techniques.

Minimization, where survivors downplayed the event and say, “it could have been worse”. Dramatization, or the life consuming survivor, where it’s all they talk about. Suppression, acting like it never happened. Explanation, analyzing what happened and trying to understand the attacker. Flight, changing job, appearance, anything to try to escape.

When I was in my phase two, I felt like I went through almost every stage of coping, except dramatization. I suppressed the experience for years while also running. I ran from Minnesota (where I am from), I ran from my style of clothes dressing baggy, I ran from my hair cutting it all off, and even my passions and friends. Anything that reminded me of who got raped, I ran from her. I never wanted to relate to that version of me. Then as I got older, I began to write in my journal, as my therapist at the time suggested, realizing how I let him keep all the power.

I allowed him to take who I was from me. My confidence, my style, my hometown. I didn’t realize the magnitude of what he took, until I decided to face stop running. I wanted to get out of survival mode. I’ve survived…It was time to live and relearn me all over again. And with that I had to take back everything he tried to steal. For those who know survivors I want to remind you of something very important… no amount of time passed makes it easier, we just cope better on some days than others. Nightmares are very real, and for some their abuser isn’t even behind bars. There is no style of rape that makes it easier or harder to deal with, nor are women the only victims of such a heinous act.

To my fellow survivors, I wish I could hug you. If it’s been one day or ten years, I am so sorry this happened to you, that this is a part of your story. I hate being called a survivor some days because it makes it seem like it’s something we are proud to have endured. Like it’s some damn badge of honor we parade around. We were a victim of something that will be embedded in our reality for the rest of our life, changing the word to survivor feels like an attempt to diminish our experience. Other days I remind myself to never have a victim mentality. It’s like we are doing this balancing act of being real about what happened but being strong enough to not let is consume us. Days never get easier; you continue to get stronger. I am proud of you for dating yourself again, for loving yourself again, and if you’ve let someone else date you and love you, I hope every day you feel as beautiful and untainted as you are. You are worth everything, still. Cry when you need to, talk about it the days you feel it’s best, and scream the days you’re pissed off the fuck off. Each day is a good day, because it’s a day you allowed yourself to feel whatever you needed. Always be proud of showing up for you.

-Undamaged

Reciprocity

Imagine you need to borrow some money and you have a group of people who you know you can borrow from. Out of this list you will go to the person who has the most money, this way you have a higher chance of them saying yes -as well as- you know you will put the least financial strain on them. Because they have an over- flow, they are able to give you some.

The concept of today is reciprocity. I want you to say this out loud (seriously). Reciprocity only exists in over- flow.

Reciprocity Is one of the main building blocks in relationships, right behind communication and respect. It’s one of the things any prosperous relationship can’t do without…so how do we make it personal? How do we apply it to our happy and healthy lifestyle?

Let’s chat.

First things first, we find a way to own it. Just like boundaries, what we need reciprocated is personal. It is your responsibility to know what it is you need reciprocated. What it is that you seek from your relationships? When it comes to your significant other what do you need from them? What is it that you give that you need replenished, and how? When it comes to friendships, what you do you give that you need replenished and how? These should be things you can articulate, if you can’t… you don’t know, and it’s only your fault. Let’s expand.

In friendships I often provide a safe space to vent (a couple times only), a space to try new things, and exist in a place judgment free. Now, what I need reciprocated is a place to exist judgement free, and to talk through all my nerdy theories and ideas. So, I must ask myself, does this person judge themselves and others harshly? Do they always bring me drama and talk about themselves and others often? Do they always come to me with things but never have a space to listen, do they have habits of sitting alone with themselves and listen to their own thoughts? If the answer is negative to any of these, how can I expect them to have any over-flow to give me? How can I expect them to offer me something they do not offer themselves?

It’s common to need spaces reciprocated, but in your own way. I am not a vent type of person; I rather write then talk about unrelated topics to get my mind off it. So, I need a safe space reciprocated, but not for the same reasons as my friends. This is important for all relationships, you need people to show up in ways you need, not the way they need.

Reciprocated energy does not always mean identical.

To continue, we must look out for the negative side of reciprocity. Loops you can get stuck in without even knowing. Say you are in a relationship that constantly makes you yell; you’ve never been so combative but for some reason this relationship keeps bringing out this side of you. This is the energy that your significant other has an over- flow of…and what happens in over- flow? You get some of it. So now you are full of all these negative habits and emotions, constantly being put in such negative emotional states…so now what do you have to offer? An over-flow of reciprocated negative energy.

Reciprocity exists in over-flow, good or bad. Look at how people treat themselves, where are they the fullest? Without you present what healthy habits do they do abundantly? What would anyone in your life have so much of they can give you some? What are you so full of, you can give to someone else? What is your over-flow? What do you need? What energy could you require and reciprocate?

I challenge you to have this conversation with yourself and every relationship in your life. Then adjust accordingly. May all your relationships be abundant…in positivity of course.

-Runneth Over

August 1st

It’s August 1st my Energy Beings. And I want to encourage you to write in more this month on challenges, advice, or reading you would like. After all this group is for an interactive helpful experience. You are having access to have questions answered, theories explored, etc. is what makes this worth it. Elemental segment will be out Aug. 15th. Between that time, I encourage you to email theories, questions, or ideas you want blogged about! This is your community, utilize it. Rlbeltexperience@gmail , If you enjoy this content I encourage you to subscribe to this membership and be apart of the community, browse the membership page. Remember, subscribe to the complimentary blog.

So, let’s get into this month’s challenges, messages, and affirmations. The energy is focused on goals and achievements for this month.

Action

Let August be your month of action. But take it a step further and put yourself as the focal point. Stop sitting and waiting for the perfect time and create it. Create the circumstances it takes for you to move. It makes no sense waiting for the right time when only you know what it will take for you to move. Leaving timing up to chance is a gamble that you lose every single time. Think about work, you promise you’ll leave if you have the right amount of money, get a new job offer etc. Yet you are not saving money, revamping your resume or anything else to create the space for you to leave. Are you cutting cost anywhere? Are you seriously waiting for the perfect time or creating the perfect time?

Challenge

I challenge you to think about your goals, now do at least two things you haven’t done to reach them. Collaborate, take new approaches, and more. Get creative.

Affirm

I move forward in my power

Challenge

Make your challenges personal, remember August is all about you! How can you challenge yourself? How can you one up you? How can you put yourself in situation where you are not the smartest in the room or even close to? Who are the people you learn from, where are the space you can learn from? Be purposeful with this. Put your pride to the side and see how you can challenge yourself.

Challenge

Seek places and people that you must learn from. Look for resources and conversations that make you elevate your mental processes, outlook, and challenge your way of thinking

Affirm

I embrace challenge because I do not thrive in complacency.

Desire

Your desires are your motivating force, often linked to discipline. Your desire is your why. What is your reason? Most of the time when we are lacking discipline or motivation we have disconnected from our why. This month focus on your why. Reignite your passion and remember what got you started. Go back to what made you start and pull from that powerful energy. It was powerful enough to move you, that energy is still there. Back to the drawing board.

Challenge

Go back to the beginning. Reconnect to your why then let it be the thing that you create a new routine around. Be disciplined when it comes to your goals.

Affirm

I am disciplined, distractions are only deterrents not worth my long-term goals.

Shadow work…use these to inspire journaling and meditation

Fear of failure, Lack of passion, avoiding confrontation, aggression, apathetic, denying your passions, abandoning your goals.

August represents beauty and strength of character. I challenge you to keep that in mind all month long. Embrace test, challenges, and change. Find the beauty in all of these.

If you are not into the energy side of things, it’s ok, the blog membership may be more your speed. It contains all the same perks, access, and community conversation, just without the energy and elemental aspect.

Evolution

I was speaking on a panel about self-awareness and positively expressing emotions. This beautiful soul asked me something along the lines of, “How do I maintain relationships where they have a hard time accepting the new me?”…I replied, “You don’t”. We have this habit of knowing the rules of the universe, but not applying them to our own.

Let’s Chat.

We learn about evolution as being this event that has taken place millions of years ago separated into eons. Points in time where things adapted, evolved, or went extinct. We all grasp this concept when it comes to dinosaurs and breathing oxygen, but somehow forget that we live in our own world and the same rules apply.

First you must realize that you live in your own universe. Your reality shaped by the world you create. How your hours, days, years go is a direct reflection of how you choose to exist. Your perception shapes your reality.

As you evolve the conditions it takes to survive in your world change, but only you can come up with the consequences for inadequate adaptations. When oxygen took over the world symbiotic relationships formed, creatures adapted, and many species went completely extinct. These three things were the consequences of evolution. How can you apply these three rules to your universe?

In both symbiotic and adaptive relationships, your evolution is necessary. You can evolve in a way they force your surroundings to adjust and thrive. You will have people who want to create relationships that help you stay in this evolved world with their contributions while you do the same or them in theirs. As well as have people who value you so much that they adapt and adjust just to be able to live in thrive in this new atmosphere.

But your world wouldn’t be balanced with the laws of the universe if extinction was not a part of the equation. Humanity is not exempt to the rules, nor are the relationships you’ve developed over the years.

In order for things to go extinct, they had to exist in the first place. So, it’s ok to acknowledge the years invested, the genuine emotions and care…but only you choose to let the laws of change take their course. No one said release would be easy, but are you willing to jeopardize your new world for it?

If you’ve evolved and are completely emersed in your new world the things that die are only those who didn’t see the value in adapting or adjusting. Think about the relationships and people that have the ability to take you back into your old existence. Why are you so committed to their existence over your evolution? You are either for you or against you.

Your evolution depends on you not abandoning yourself. You can only be dedicated to one version of you. Let the things meant to go extinct do so. And the most beautiful part of is all…You have nothing to do but evolve. The things that survive around you, are the things that recognize you are worth growth.

Let your new world be full of relationships that never make you question your worth, because their mere existence is proof you are worth moving worlds for.  

-Symbiotic

Anxious Attachment

The anxious attachment style is one of the most common styles I encounter. While many of us have different triggers chances are navigating some form of anxiety is common or dealing with someone who has this attachment style is familiar. On our never-ending journey of happy and healthy, how can navigating this attachment style be “happy and healthy”?

Let’s Chat.

First let me point out a couple attachment style facts. The bulk of your attachment style will come from your childhood relationships. A brief explanation is as follows. When you trust yourself and others you have a healthy attachment. When you trust others but not yourself you have an anxious attachment. When you do not trust others but trust yourself, you have an avoidant attachment, and when you do not trust others nor yourself you have fearful attachment.

There are many ways to develop anxious attachment, it’s hard to admit you don’t completely trust yourself but what do you think anxiety is? Anxiety itself is a future based response. You are responding to the “what if’s” in your own mind. Now you may be saying I am anxious because I think someone is cheating on me, how is that not trusting myself…well why are you in the situation? Do you not think you can make good judgment calls? Do you keep picking people who hurt you? Do you know how this relationship ends because you’ve been here before? Are you ignoring red flags? Accept that you need to work on trusting yourself and we can move forward. Denial halts progression.

Now, what does anxious attachment look like? Co-dependency, the need to be needed in and out or romantic relationships. If you are constantly complaining about how much people need from you, but you keep supplying…you are codependent. You thrive on the need to feel needed because you trust others more than you trust yourself. You are fulfilled by being desired. If you give love too easily and quickly you are an anxious attachment style. Now be careful, if you lack boundaries and have a hard time giving and receiving love you have fearful attachment. These look similar, so be open and honest with yourself. No need to run from hard truths, this is your judgment free space. If you can’t be honest here, I am doing something very wrong.

An anxious attachment style is the opposite of the avoidant attachment style. And for that reason alone, they are the two that will, more often than not, from trauma bonds. Anxious attachment obviously does best with a healthy attachment, but avoidant feeds into the loop of anxiety and need for acceptance from someone else. Remember anxious attachment needs to feel needed, and avoidant attachment is their ultimate challenge. One way to determine if you are in an avoidant anxious bond think about your arguments. Is one always saying “we are good we don’t have to talk about it, I’m fine, it doesn’t matter etc.” and the other is saying “please can we talk about it, did I do something wrong, am I bothering you, am I enough, are you happy etc.” the odds are not in your favor. This doesn’t mean it’s a trauma bond, it means you have more effort to put forth to be happy and healthy. Both parties must be WILLING participants.

Now that we have a grasp on attachment what can be done to create healthy habits so you can have healthy relationships. First, expression. You must express to those you want to attach to what gives you anxiety. “I have been cheated on a couple times, so when you don’t talk to me all day my mind races, and I feel like I put myself back in a bad situation”. You always take ownership of your emotions because they are your own. Never making someone pay for mistakes of your past.

second, give behaviors that help. In an argument say, “I know you don’t want to talk right now; can you give me a time frame of when we can talk so I’m not anxiously thinking about if we will be ok”. Third, know your triggers, pay attention to what your anxiety looks like. If confrontation gives you anxiety recognize it and say it. “Yelling makes me anxious and I will shut down”.

Fourth, find the root. The first three are great for maintaining healthy relationships, but what about your relationship with you. Let’s use the yelling example. Journal on why yelling makes you retreat. Who yelled at you when you were younger? How often where good things in your childhood overlooked, but being in trouble you remember so vividly? Or when did you used to yell and express and were never heard? What relationship could have given you this anxiety? Once you have the root of your triggers you can do the mental work to “undo” the triggers.

Lastly, talk to someone. I don’t just say this so you can come see me in the safe space, where we will work on a behavior journal and unpack triggers while creating healthy habits. I say it because anxiety can be crippling. For me talking about things that give me anxiety, will give me anxiety, so having someone give me reassurance and remind me I am in a safe space will help me process and get through complete thoughts. Being honest with yourself is hard, sometimes you don’t know when you started having anxiety or when it got so bad. Maybe your anxiety presents as anger or sadness, and you find yourself snapping at small things that normally wouldn’t bother you or getting so mad you cry.

Learning how to talk is the highlight of our life, and somehow, along the journey we’ve forgotten how important, powerful, and necessary it is. Letting life trick us into thinking our voice is lost in a sea of expression, when words are what allow us to float.

–Be Heard

Preparation

Instant gratification has taken over the last few years. Instant bodies, instant status over viral videos, instant money by scamming. The “work for it, era” rest on the shoulders of millennials as Gen Z wants it NOW. This energy is seeping into all generations, and I can’t help but to address it. You aren’t getting what you want because of two things…You are doing nothing in your waiting, and you aren’t making room for what you are asking.

Let’s Chat.

First, you are asking for things and then anxiously waiting as if you don’t need to be preparing for what you have asked for. You aren’t even making room for something to prosper, setting yourself up for failure. Let’s talk relationships…Say you want a partner who loves traveling, outdoors, fine dining etc. Yet, you don’t have a passport, looking for partners in clubs, and don’t know fine dining etiquette. Doesn’t make sense, does it? What about careers, you want a better salary, a promotion, or new career all together. So, what is the preparation? Have you studied on what the promotion entails and adjusted to fit the new demands, study new material, talk to others in the role etc. There is no preparation, just wanting something and hoping it falls out the sky, then scrambling if you do get it because you desired something you weren’t prepared for.

Productive Waiting is the term to be exercised.

Second, making room for what you are asking. I see this so much in my sessions. One main example is wanting a live-in partner, then being frustrated at them moving things and taking up space. You must make room for what you want. Think about what you want, now think about what needs to adjust to make room it. If you are ready for a relationship, are you making room for their emotions? Are you making room for you no longer being the center of the world and needing to inform someone else before you make decisions?

Cognitive preparation is the term to be exercised.

Now, we face the truth on this blog, so I must promise you that neither of these terms are easy to exercise. In your waiting you may be getting rid of things, habits, and people you love. You go for a promotion and realize your friends were only cool with you because you weren’t doing better than them. You may want a relationship and realize how many toxic habits you need to release. You may realize in your cognitive prep you lack discipline. Ugly truths will reveal themselves. But would you rather them in preparation or in the middle of reaping your harvest?

The challenge is to make use of your waiting. Stop pouting and complaining because it’s not your turn yet. You aren’t ready for it, if you got it now it wouldn’t be as prosperous. Every time you desire something, think of all the things that need to be aligned for it to work in your favor. Think of the mental adjustments and life changes.

Let the fabric of the cosmos weave things in your favor, and that my dear, takes time.

-Woven

Submission

Every dominate person desires a submissive partner. Every man talks about having a submissive partner, and every woman has their own idea of what submission is. Now, let me make something VERY clear…I am not here to tell you what submission is, but to give insight on what it’s not. Or at the very minimum, insight to how harmful some ideas of submission are to both sides of the conversation.

I want you to think of submission. What does it look like to you? Chances are you are going to think of someone who does all the domestic chores. Someone who cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, and is on call to cater to needs. So let me be the first to tell you, chores do not equal submission, and the idea that it does is the reason stay at home dads, male nurses, and men who make less than their partner are looked at in a negative light. So, let’s dissect this train of thought.

First and foremost, there is nothing submissive about chores. A man who cooks and cleans for his woman does not equate to submission, a woman who cooks and cleans for her man is not submissive. This idea is what creates the unequal work divide in most houses. The second shift for women is a real phenomenon because men think submission equates to household duties. Where could this idea stem from?

Y’all know we can tie most ideas back to slavery. The house slave was submissive and, in that role, performed household duties, while the two existed together they are not mutually exclusive. One can exist without the other, they were still submissive without doing the chores. The submission was the state of mind, not the action.

Now back to the original thought. We can give examples of women who cook and clean, who are not submissive at all, as well as ones who don’t who are submissive…because submission is a mentality existing outside of societal roles and norms.

As soon as dominate people stop seeking submission based on chores, the more balanced relationships will be…and people will actually date who they like.

Now ladies, let me talk directly to you…you are not better than or more submissive because you cook, clean, handle the kids, and give your man a night cap. You may very well need to let your man be the head of the household and stop thinking because you do so much you can lead without them. You are actively spreading the wrong narrative and setting a standard no one wants to live up to, but you. (Same for same sex relationships)

Lastly, let’s consider all the submissive women who have maids, make more than their dominate partner, and don’t have kids. What makes them submissive? They don’t do domestic chores, they aren’t mothers, they can’t cook…so what is submission when you must separate it from duties…say it with me mentality.

The way society has fed you this narrative of domesticated partners and communities have ate it up will forever be mind-blowing. I have heard men say they want a domesticated wife, as if there is some obedience school, we attend in order to get house trained, as well as women say they are submissive because they pack their man’s lunch. Both ideas are rooted in gender roles, slave mentality, societal norms, and actions performed. Tying your worth into work is absurd. The ideas don’t hold up if you suffer a chronic illness, an accident, or any other reason that would take away from your duties…then what is your worth and submission tied to?

Think about what submission is on a mental level, how you allow yourself to be lead. Untie your household chores, what your partner likes, and routines that work for your relationship to submission. The two exist separately while coexisting.

Dominate people, discover what type of mentality you like and submissive people discover how you like to be lead. Only then will you find routine that works and a relationship where you are liked and respected for your mind… not your ability to fold laundry.

-Detrimental perspective

A Letter To My Soul

I know anxiety is just you in the passenger seat unsure of what’s to come next. Remembering familiar emotions and reminding me that you are there and a little afraid. I want you to know that I feel you, and I am here to protect you.

The fear we share is the fuel that makes me never want to hurt you again. We’ve been through so much; I’ve put us through so much. We’ve survived so much. But listen to me, feel me, we are done surviving. You are safe in there. You don’t have to be so anxious, so cautions, so skeptical. Trust me, enjoy the rest of the ride.

We’ve learned hard lessons and lessons the hard way. I know that the constant response to environmental cues is because of history…familiarity. Anxiety is a future based response, and I promise ours is so bright, no need to be anxious. Be excited, eager, and ready to enjoy the journey.  

I know I’ve put you on the back burner, I know I went times without having your best interest at heart. From this day forward I promise to put you first. I promise to do what makes you feel good, chasing a joy that resides at your depth.

You’ve taught me so much in this life. The eternal side of me I took for granted in the trinity of mind, body, and soul. For you are the very center of my joy, the piece of the puzzle that keeps me safe. From now on I will live for my soul, allowing mind and body to follow. You are finally in the driver’s seat, so guide me. I’ve lived for the body, now it’s time to do what makes my soul feel good.

-Unapologetically Soul Searching