Author Archives: Raquel Brewer

“I love everyone and give the people I date the freedom to be free in themselves”, this was my average conversation. Setting the tone of no expectation in every entanglement. Repeating a cycle, I had no idea would become my normal. Growing up in the system of unwanted children your mind is wired to survive the day, worry about tomorrow when it comes. During my teenage years I was held captive, raped and tortured, ( a story for a different day) for a short while. Further changing the chemical balance in my brain, rewiring the already numb organ into a cold dark place. 

I often see people question, could someone raised on love, date someone raised on survival? As the self-appointed spokes person for those raised on survival, I am here to say yes. But only the strong survive.

I met someone and gave the same speech; little did I know she would be the first person I ever loved and fell in love with. 

I was truly afraid when I found myself doing things like thinking of her when we were not together or wanting to tell her the intimate details of my dark past. I found myself feeling safe. I found myself lost in thinking of tomorrow, next month, even next year. As an adult, new things are scary. So, I pulled back, remembering to live each day with no expectation. Life had only ever showed me the darkest parts of human nature and here was the newness I had no idea how to handle. 

I can only attempt to speak for her, but I can only imagine the fear of falling for someone afraid of love. Loving someone who will self-sabotage when things are too good, or someone who is afraid to be all in. The brain of someone who knows love, has a different confidence. A sureness of what they want. The complete opposite of someone who spent their entire life unsure of what comes next, or afraid of being abandoned. I can only imagine the fear she had of me leaving or hurting her before she could leave or hurt me. 

Now to the beauty of it.

As new as it was, I would watch her. Watch her look at me at what I thought were my ugliest moments. I began to look at her the same. Scientist say that any trauma after the age of four is embedded in your memory and the damage cannot be undone. The thing about those raised on love they embrace and never try to undo. I had panic attacks, mental breakdowns, and even struggled with self-harm. Not once did she run. For the first time in my life I experienced love, and more surprisingly I wanted nothing more to give it back.

When you don’t know what love is or what it looks like how do you reciprocate it? 

I began to shift small things in my personal life that reflected the things of someone going for long term. I cut off any old flings or ignored the numerous “can I take you out” Dm’s. I needed to change so much…for her. All of a sudden, I was not my only concern, moving in silence I changed my life to “fit” love in. Love made me feel good, accepted, and strong. All I knew is I wanted to do anything to hold onto whatever love is. Love releases dopamine, and I was high off of her.  I never thought so clearly. I saw the mess I allowed in my life and wanted to clean it up. Our happiness and our future depended on it. 

So, remember when I said moving in silence…listen closely… I was WRONG. I had my own idea of coming to her and showing her the fruits of my labor. When what she needed was to see the labor. She showed me love, so showing her I loved her back was all the comfort she needed. 

She needed to feel the safety she provided. And this is where I failed. 

If you were raised off battling trauma at an early age, the one thing we all have in common is our silence. We get quiet when things are uncomfortable, we get quiet when we think too much, and we get quiet when we work towards something. All afraid of rejoicing too loud, because when things are too good, we know they won’t last long. Well, I am proof that when love finds you, your very core will shift. And if I could do one thing different, I would tell her every time she fixed a piece of my heart. I sing my shoulda, coulda, wouldas to let my survivors know what not to do. 

If you were raised off of love understand you are life changing. You have the ability to bring the best out of those who only see half the world. Humanity can be so ugly, but my God it can be beautiful when love is present. For the first time in life, you make every day become a day to look forward too. 

For the first time in my life I know what I want, I know what I am shooting for. My mind is set, and the fullness of love and acceptance will be mine. I’ve only touched the surface and I look forward to the day I can dive in. 

• A survivor of Love 

Sex, a feminist perspective

            The year is 1972, Roe v. Wade has made it to the supreme court, and for the first time the right to privacy is deemed fundamental (Sharp,2013). Since then, personal autonomy has been an in issue in human rights on a revolving door. Each state arguing their case on abortion rights, marital right etc., within the parameters of the constitution. Yet, there is another personal autonomy argument that is silently fought, the decriminalization of consensual adult sex work. I will argue how personal autonomy seems to go from human rights, to women’s rights, how the male gaze hinders the ability to enact change, and the positive effects of decriminalizing sex work. 

            Autonomy is fine when it comes to the heterosexual male and his wishes, yet when challenged the woman is seen as the lesser of the two. In 1965 the ban on contraception when married was lifted (Sharp, 2013). This allowed women to take birth control while married, demand condoms during copulation, and decide when to bare children. Doctoral candidate, Faye Tucker, defines autonomy as “a person’s ability to act on his or her own values and interest. Tucker continues, “the autonomous person must have a sense of self-worth and self-respect (Tucker, 2014). The direct disproportion of inherited autonomy rights only strengthens the argument, women are seen as objects and lack the ability to make sound choices. One could argue it is feminine gender as a whole and not just the identified female sex. Texas passed a law prohibiting sodomy. In 2003, the case Lawrence v Texas disbanded the law for   blatant violation of rights (Sharp, 2013).  What is it about the female gender that has to prove the ability to make sound choices? Or could it be the female is deemed a sexual fantasy controlled by the heterosexual male, only here to fulfil desires but remain pure. 

            If you; turned on your television, looked out the window, or swiped through your social media accounts, you would be bombarded with the female body selling you something. As long as it’s not themselves of course. We live in a society where the media can use femininity how it seems fit. Where school dress codes are made to ensure the boys are not distracted, and teachers, if too curvy, must dress in unflattering clothing. I think everyone’s outdated idea of “sex sells” is only geared to the women being sexualized and sold. This is the crisis of the male gaze. The inability to how the identified woman can act on her values and self-interest, because she is constantly looked at like an objectified item, creating the illusion that she doesn’t have self-worth or self-respect. 

            How does this tie in with decriminalizing consensual sex work? First, the millions of reported sex workers are 80% female (Procon, 2018). Had that been males, the term gigolo would be plastered over every billboard, instead of mug shots of female prostitutes. Notice the difference even in how we use the terms to describe the same work with different genders. Second, women are so often seen as a “damsel in distress” that sex trafficked child statistics are so intertwined with consensual adult sex, I cannot give an accurate number on the amount of sex workers in the United States.  This begs the question, is it not legal because it is not a male dominated industry? 

            To remove the discrimination of female autonomy, decriminalizing sex work is one part of a large puzzle. Not only will sex workers be able to speak out against rape, robbery, police exploitation, and seek medical needs with dignity, the focus on sex trafficking would be greatly increased. The matters of trafficked children are an entirely separate matter and penalizing adults for consensual sex only takes away the needed resources. Not only does this create an environment with less violence, it creates a bridge between sex workers, traffickers and the law. The Human Rights Watch gives the idea of balance between the two worlds. The idea that sex workers can report crimes without fear of persecution would only be an asset (Watch, 2019). Too often are drugs, trafficking, and prostitution linked, when a criminalized environment is what creates crime. An escort service is seen as “High-end”, hidden behind legal teams and wealthy clients, when in reality that is what consensual sex between adults looks like more often than not. Only picturing female addicts looking for their next fix, or children being trafficked when thinking about legalizing sex work, shows how the agenda of creating a misogynistic view on consensual sex has been successful. 

            Journalist Rohit Bhattacharya sheds light on the pros of legal prostitution. With Bangladesh being the exception, for making only male prostitution illegal, fifteen countries have decriminalized sex work. In New Zealand brothels are legal, operating within the parameters of employment and public health laws. This provides health and employment benefits without the crime. Austria requires sex workers to be nineteen years old and undergo frequent health examinations. While brazil has legalized sex work, pimping is illegal (Bhattacharya). These examples are the endless possibilities of sex workers paying taxes, living safe, and removing the stigma of the female here to only serve on the terms the heterosexual male sees fit. 

            In conclusion, personal autonomy continues to be a harder fight from the female perspective. There is a clear divide in the given rights of heteromales and the fought for rights of women. The decriminalization of consensual adult sex is directly linked to how the women are consistently perceived in society. The stigmas set by the male hierarchies have seeped into the constitutional rights of privacy, right to govern one’s self, and equal protection of the law. From the feminist perspective, one can now argue the autonomy rights, the detriment of the male gaze, and the possibilities of decriminalizing sex work. 

References

Bhattacharya, R. (n.d.). 15 countries around the world that have legalized prostitution. Retrieved May 12, 2020, from Https://scoopwoop.com/inothernews

Human Rights Watch. (2019, August 7). Why sex work should be decriminalized. Retrieved May 12, 2020, from https://hrw.org/news/2019/08/07

ProCon. (2018, January 11). How many prostitutes are in the United Staes and the rest of the world. Retrieved May 8, 2020, from https://prostitution.procon.org/question

Sharp, T. (2013, June 12). Right to privacy: Constitutional rights and privacy laws. Retrieved May 10, 2020, from https://livescience.com/37398-right-to-privacy.html

Tucker, F. (2014, November 11). What is autonomy and why does it matter. Retrieved May 10, 2020, from https://ifamilystudy.eu/what-is-autonomy-and-why-does-it-matter/

Newbold, G (2019, Mar 18). ‘Violent Crime- Sexual assault’, Te Ara – the Encyclopedia on New Zealand,http://www.TeAra.govt.nz/en/graph/26515/reported-sexual-assaults-and-rape (accessed 13 May 2020)

Different demands

            Skepticism and curiosity shaped the infamous writings of Machiavelli and Descartes. For very different reasons, they each sought “higher understanding”. Education is learning according to Machiavelli, while Descartes would argue learning is not education. The wisdom and writings of both minds are continuously studied, after decades, and still influence business ethics and religious studies. Comparing the two, notice the demands of their circumstances couldn’t be more different. Yet they both wanted one thing, to understand what they did not know, and that reason alone is what makes their writings educational. 

            Machiavelli can either be seen as manipulative or a realist, both are true. Machiavelli has just been forced into exile after years of diplomatic service. After a day of mundane activities his joy comes from studying the greatest minds. To him, reading and understanding the textbooks and the foundation of knowledge is most important, but why? From a manipulative view, one could argue he is learning to seek knowledge to regain his power. Writing to the ruler on his studies, as if trying to manipulate him into showing him he is worth regaining his title. Furthermore, if you want to know how to gain power and keep it, understanding how the foundation of society was built sits within the writings of those who were said to be the smartest of their time. For example, say someone lost their job due to breaking a rule, they would soon read the company rules and handbooks and seek knowledge to further understand why. The handbook was already written, the reasons behind the rules and why they are used had been available all along. Yet, it wasn’t until the person felt what it was like to lose their job did, they care enough to educate themselves. This sudden desire for knowledge could be used to sue or to know what not to do at their next job. Not only will the person be more educated on what not to do, they will also know how to “get around” or “get away” with breaking rules if they know how they are built. Either way, the obtained new information and educated themselves, despite what they could do with it.  

            But could this be all there is to his legacy? Certainly, there has to be some type of realism to his mind frame. Machiavelli worked as a political influence for years, he knew the ins and out and lived a nice life. A stranger to poverty to say the least. Yet here he is, poor and banned from the very kingdom he helped. Could he be sending the message that he knows what it’s like in power and wants to know “why” society works the way it does? Could the greatest minds have a reason for his rise and fall? For example, say we have a doctor who lost their medical license, reason being, they committed insurance fraud. Days later the doctor published articles on insurance and how it is unfair, ranting on how poor people die because insurance is a scam. This doctor would have lost their job, then learned how the insurance system works after working in the industry blindly for years. 

            Seeking education for Machiavelli seems to have various reasons, although self-preservation and writing to the very person who can give him is life back seems to be the most obvious. He finds value in seeking previous knowledge to better understand what is current. History does repeat itself.

            Descartes was the exact opposite, he had so much knowledge from school and was an astounding mathematician. Yet, felt that being taught textbook knowledge served very little purpose. There is humor in this, simply because everything we learn at some point can be traced back to the very person who thinks school is delusional. Descartes had the approach, having knowledge of something does not mean you are correct. He did not feel that learning was education but seeking your version of truth outside of what you’ve been taught is. Today, people often argue school does nothing but teach students what society wants them to know. Only to test on how well students remembered the information without having really learned anything. 

            Cartesian skepticism takes the ability to really learn what you know to new heights. Even if a person thinks they know nothing, they have the ability to know without doubt that they know nothing, therefor they are knowledgeable. Descartes drive for learning came from having such an abundance of knowledge and questioning its credibility. This process is praised today in higher education, especially in scientist. This skeptic approach is how the world around us keeps progressing. Without it society would stop progressing, even in nature adaptation would stop and extinction would happen faster than it already is. 

There is only so much a person can be taught. Without doing some type of experimental exercise the brain doesn’t wrap around an idea completely. In science, students are given a lecture with homework, followed up with a lab to back up the lecture and offer further evidence that what was taught has so much evidence its true, it must be irrefutable. Without realizing it, this ignites a “prove it” attitude that Descartes would be proud of. 

These two minds are polar opposites and that could be why each side carry truth and go hand in hand. Both types of understandings and drive for learning are needed in today’s world. There are cases of the wrongfully incriminated representing themselves in court and winning their freedom after their lively hood was taken away. Giving them no choice but to seek education and teach themselves the law. On the other side, there are wealthy ivy league adults who step away from everything they know to become world travelers saying experience is the best teacher. Either way both show us that what you don’t know is attractive. If everything is connected and purposeful-like Rene and Nicoolo- opposites really do attract.

More often than not do we use our creativity to block out the real world, refusing to deal with the daily issues and finding our release in art. Then there are those times where the creative block keeps us unable to release, sending us into a spiral of frustration and irritability. During my last creative block, I laid on the floor trying to figure out why. Why did I have this back up lasting anywhere from a few days to a few weeks before inspiration would spark. Then it hit me, do I ever truly release? Do I ever face the issues or just take a hit of creativity and tell myself I feel better. Could the natural dopamine high of passion halt me from truly dealing with whatever life has thrown?

As a creative how else do you release? Mental health is a rare topic and even more rare within the creative community. We “should” be mentally stable, after all our art is our escape. When we are stressed we hold the tension in our shoulders, creating knots throughout our body, because we feel the pain we are aware something is wrong. Those balls of stress, are our minds creative block.

Weekly challenge: I challenge you to sit and mediate for an hour prior to running to your “high”. I challenge to sit and unpack the things that make you emotionally unstable, discover why certain things frustrate you, or even fill you with joy. After that awareness go and create from a place of understanding. Art is different when clarity of emotion is the driving force.